GIVEN DAILY DUTIES:

R=Recitation, K=Kowtow & recitation, N=pegs applied to nipples

Times: Recitation/Kowtow & Recitation/Pegs on Nipples

Mo 24 7.09/10.59/20.49

My thoughts today inevitably involve table tennis bats and my thought crime re Gent. There will be various tests of my submission and loyalty throughout the time I am permitted the privilege of enslavement to my Mistress. I am given to think of Descartes and the devils he sent himself in order to arrive at cogito ergo sum. I have arrived at I am enslaved therefore I am.

I do fear that I have caused Mistress displeasure and I do fear the reaction if that is indeed the case. I think today, as I thought yesterday, that I would like to post Mistress a small gift in recognition but to do so now, before Mistress has made a decision on me, I fear could be seen as an attempt to mollify.

Mistress is very much in my thoughts as I have received an email giving me permission to call. Mistress makes no mention of what is causing me real concern.

Just as I have put the pegs on an email from my Mistress has arrived, giving me clearance to forward my ‘handiwork’. Gulp.

Tu 25 6.28/11.53/22.42

I have an active day with many stops to make. My Mistress is with me all day. I go from point to point, knowing that I am owned, that I am property. It is such a rich knowledge.

I head into a boiling city centre but get off the bus early to use a post office that, unlike the one in the city centre, is usable. The bats are on their way to my Mistress.

The excitement and trepidation builds up as the day goes on: tomorrow I may speak to my Mistress again. Tomorrow I face justice…

We 26 11.11/16.27/18.27

The trepidation continues. I cannot see any other way to deal with my betrayal other than with punishment…

I am a nervous type, I have trembled on occasion at the beginning of calls to my Mistress but to term what I experience as ‘trembling’ is to say that adjoining tectonic plates ‘shudder’ now and again. Mistress Magenta’s voice shreds me as my betrayal is introduced. I am ordered 20 with the bat. I cannot say that this is ‘lenient’ as that could be construed as complaining about punishment, and Mistress will decide upon the method and the severity. But it does feel that way. However, Mistress did say that I will be spoken to at further length about my disgraceful offence at some point in the future. I now have this hanging over me, and I deserve it.

I feel more and more that control of me is passing to my Mistress. And I adore it! I am so privileged – I have just betrayed my Mistress and my Mistress punishes me and then goes on to speak about the possibility of being given the privilege of meeting. This, although very, very welcome, shames me further.

I did not do well at all during this call. I gave reason to be punished on 3 occasions. I think of my first time in the presence of my Mistress’s voice: Mistress expressed the thought that I am more maso than sub. I wonder though… in my second training call I had to be punished three times… I was annoyed at this and decided to do something about it, with the outcome that in the following call I had to be verbally reprimanded once, but not punished, and the call thereafter no reprimands and no punishment. I was so happy at this! I become angry at myself when my conduct leaves no choice but punishment, I relish the feeling of obedience. So what am I…?
While recording notes for this diary I remember something I have forgotten, repeatedly, to inform my Mistress about: if I am to be punished using Magenta’s Lesson then if I am permitted to stand upright and put the phone down a more acceptable sweep with the tawse can be achieved and I will be punished to a greater level than if I remain on my knees. In the call this evening Mistress saw good cause for Magenta’s Lesson to be employed, six strokes. I carried out the punishment, completely forgetting this simple piece of information. I fear I am now doubly damned as the offence I had committed was… neglecting to give Mistress information.

I am overjoyed – Mistress has taken control of my masturbation, I must ask for permission to pleasure myself. It is true I have long desired this to happen to me but, of course, as soon as rules are placed upon masturbation than I am (almost) overwhelmed with a powerful urge to wank. It is fierce, I have a strong erection for hours long after the call. I feel no guilt at this, there is too much humour in the situation. I am powerless – I do no not have permission, I have no right to masturbate. And Mistress knows my thoughts on this slave masturbating – I must aim for chastity: to think only of my Mistress’s pleasure, to offer the denial of my orgasm as an act of ongoing worship. I know it will be difficult, very difficult at times but I have to do it: what is better - the singular and lasting pleasure of sweet domination by a powerful, beautiful Mistress, or the illusionary, delusional and fleeting pleasure of a cheap jerk-off?

I will ask myself this when the brute in me is threatening rampage…as it persists in doing. I would be in serious and constant trouble if Mistress decided to outlaw unauthorised erections. I decide that the diary line giving the timings I carry out my duties will also include an abstract on masturbation: W? will indicate that I have worshipped my Mistress through obedience and denial whereas WX will give forewarning that an admission follows, and, given my thoughts on self-pleasuring, an admission of further betrayal.

It is typical and worthy of worship of my Mistress that every call is so rich and I spend hours thereafter thinking. I smile in powerlessness and appreciation at my Mistress’s skills: introducing the new law with a line from my diary, ‘what would the penalty be for illicit masturbation?’, Mistress forbids masturbation without permission, discusses it with me but leaves me not knowing what penalty disobedience will bring. I’m left guessing… and afraid. I bow to my Mistress. This is about far more than puhllin ma pudden – it is about an existential state.

Even as I bow the erections continue. I will also give Mistress an indication of urge with the inclusion of an urge-ometer: Ux, where x is a number on a scale of 0-10 relating to average urge over the day,
0 = no urge, 10 = only exemplary instruction and strict obedience have prevented further betrayal.

I feel and can visualise my Mistress watching over me.

Thu 27 7.45/14.51/20.24 W? U7

Lying in bed in the early hours I am troubled on two counts – do I have the right to go for chastity, did my Mistress give me permission, am I denying my Mistress an aspect of control, even in denying me permission to masturbate simply for amusement? The urge is still fierce. I find myself asking my Mistress for strength but stop abruptly: I am coming very close to praying and Mistress’s web site clearly states, “I am not a Goddess”.

I fall asleep hard. I awake thinking, today is the first full day of my new life, and the hard-on is back. Perhaps I’m obsessed with wanking. One of my concerns was that if I am spending time thinking about having a wank then I am not spending that time thinking about my Mistress’s pleasure. Now I’m spending the time thinking about not wanking. I settle the argument – I must channel that energy into my relationship with my Mistress. And I have a simple statement at times of urge: I can’t wank and that’s that. This proves to work very well.

I think of complete fidelity to my Mistress. What about viewing other sites? In truth, for a while now I have been feeling guilt at viewing other Mistress’s sites. I rarely do it now, can’t remember when the last time was.

I also think of my betrayal. There is an extra stupidity therein: it has never entered my head to even think about visiting a Mistress in Glasgow in the way I did think of the Mistress in Gent. Why? Did I think that in being 1000 or so km away I am outwith Mistress Magenta’s jurisdiction? Quite plainly I am not. And why did I think of the possible difficulties carrying out my duties when abroad?

I have a long way to go and I could make that road far less of a painful one by paying more attention to my thinking.

One other thought today – I have noticed that I have now become more polite in general, not that I was ever known for being impolite. This is Mistress Magenta’s influence at work.

I have a despairing end to the day. I hope to make early and prompt use of Nochex as a signal to my Mistress of faith. But they won’t let me. I am irate – how dare they?!

Fri 28 11.27/15.52/21.02 W? U3

Again I awake with a strong desire for personal domination. I get straight onto the floor and part my cheeks. As I recite I think of my betrayal and the fact that it will always be with me, punishing me. I feel a real despair and cry out inside, I am sorry Mistress Magenta!

It is clear to me that my chastity is also an act of repentance: I thought with my cock therefore my cock will be denied.

Later on I am in deep, cutting shame as an email from my Mistress arrives. It includes a sharp, terse comment regarding a ‘Moll’ in Flanders.

Sat 29 10.50/17.10/20.41 W? U7

My first thought concerns the email from my Mistress. At the same time my cock is screaming. I ignore it, taunt it. Later on I recall a fragment of a dream: I am upright, arms spread apart, unsure as to whether I am in tethers or not. Mistress Magenta’s angry face is inches away from mine. Mistress Magenta is fiercely reprimanding me. I do not remember the crime. But I can take a good guess.

Later I experience a familiar tightening of the lower ribs and of my midriff. I have experienced this every time it has occurred to me that I might have wronged and that therefore I might be facing punishment. It occurs because I have adopted chastity without permission.

And, there is always the question of Mistress’s reaction to the bats…

Sun 30 8.52/17.04/21.51 W? U6

Got to thinking. If, in adopting chastity, I am denying my Mistress an aspect of control then what aspects are there for Mistress to take control of? Denying me permission to go out of an eve? Following the ban I rarely go to the pub, following an incident at a venue in Glasgow I have had it with paying money to be treated like shit. I will think on.

One thing is for sure – Mistress will identify further areas, such is the certainty of Mistress’s grip upon Her slave. I adore it.

I idle over chastity and global warming: no come rags to wash = less electricity use = less global warming. And when it comes to stained sheets… Mistress is an enviro-heroine!!!

Joy! Confirmation from Nochex! I eagerly set about payment.

Later on I receive a wonderful, heartwarming, encouraging, strength-giving, educative (I could go on) email from my Mistress. I feel so good! I made what has proven to be a very rewarding and challenging decision in first contacting my Mistress. Thank You Mistress Magenta, I call silently.

Mon 31 6.25/16.03/21.31 W? U4

I am thinking: every time I get an urge now my thoughts are going directly to my Mistress, my enslavement, my duties… This is good – the energy is being directed to a use and purpose that is true.

I have been greatly encouraged by yesterday’s sublime email from my Mistress. I think about the periodical clearing of the prostate by ejaculation. I intimated to my Mistress that I would be unconcerned if every 6 weeks was stipulated. There does seem to be a consensus of monthly or so, some male slaves are kept longer, much longer in some cases. My own prostate was declared very healthy, and this after a period of serious illness when, weakened, I was obviously susceptible to anything nasty going. I am given to thinking, could the period be lengthened? To two months? And what about the body’s own clearing mechanism – wet dreams?

Idle thoughts as it is my Mistress who will decide on this…

I think of my Mistress as I clean and polish the 12inch ruler I will be posting. It isn’t much, but being permitted, being able to serve my Mistress in even such a small way is immensely warming and affirming to me.

Yes there have been urges, but I have experienced such contentment today and yesterday. “…the pleasure of obedience will consume you.”, my Mistress wrote.

I think of Mistress announcing that I may be permitted the privilege of Her presence upon my return. I have not quite realised yet that this could be possible, have not quite grasped it… I am craving to get out of Scotland for a while, now I am craving my return. If only all of life’s dichotomies were so sweet…

Of course I am alert in the realisation that this wonderful prospect depends upon my good conduct, and ‘good’ could hardly be applied to my recent record. Any repeat and…

Any repeat and I’d be applying for asylum in Belgium. I’d get it, of course, yes because I’m white, but when they learn what I would be facing if I dared return… then they’d throw in a new identity as well.